


Things Forgotten and Things Never Known

by GoingCaked



Series: No Path is Ever Completely Smooth [6]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexuality, Coming Out, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-15
Updated: 2015-05-15
Packaged: 2018-03-30 15:41:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3942304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoingCaked/pseuds/GoingCaked
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ray and Gavin trying to figure out how to communicate. Immediately follows Part 5.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Things Forgotten and Things Never Known

**Author's Note:**

> Work contains slight acephobia.
> 
> Also I made a [ tumblr!](http://goingcaked.tumblr.com/)

“I think maybe I’m asexual.”

Ray stared blankly at Gavin for several beats.

Gavin definitely wasn’t joking, Ray knew that at least. Gavin looked like he might _cry_.

Ray hesitantly got off the bed and walked over to Gavin who was resolutely looking at the floor. Ray gently raised his arms and wrapped them around Gavin. Gavin stiffened for a moment then brought his own arms up and buried his face in Ray’s neck.

Okay, so Ray was handling this. Whatever _this_ was. Jesus how messed up had this whole thing made Gavin that he'd convinced himself he was _asexual?_ Gavin _loved_ sex.

Ray pulled back from Gavin a little and Gavin looked at him, face a little wet. Ray smiled at him and reached up to wipe away some of his tears, “Come on now, it’s okay,” Ray reassured and kind of nudged Gavin to the bed. Gavin went, never really letting go of Ray’s hand, and they sat themselves cross legged in the middle of the bed.

Ray squeezed Gavin’s hand, “Okay. Why don’t you tell me what’s going on.”

Gavin _shook_ a little and darted his eyes around nervously, “It’s… I’m being a spaff. It doesn’t matter,” he muttered.

Ray frowned and shushed him, “Come on dude, if you’re really that freaked out about something then let’s _talk_ about it.”

Gavin nodded and still wouldn’t make eye contact with Ray, “Yeah, well, it’s just, with all this… I don’t know, I’m sorry.”

Ray stroked the back of Gavin’s hand with his thumb, “This is about the Geoff and Michael kink weekend, right? You really don’t like that stuff, huh?”

Gavin shook again and kind of half shrugged, “I guess.”

Ray nodded sympathetically, “Yeah, that shit can get pretty intense. Don’t worry about it though. Just because this freaked you out doesn’t _mean_ anything.”

Gavin seemed to curl into himself more, “Yeah. It was just… I was thinking, like, I never really… Playing games with you this weekend was _really_ _fun_.”

Ray frowned, no idea what Gavin was getting at, “I had a good time too, Gav.”

Gavin shook his head, clearly frustrated with Ray not getting it, “No. It was _fun_. Playing mini-golf with you and Jack is fun. Swimming with Michael is fun. Sex… sex isn’t fun.”

There was a beat of silence as Ray processed Gavin's confession.

Gavin didn’t like sex? _What?_ But… what? Gavin had always been one of the most enthusiastic about sex stuff (when he wasn’t being prudish), and he fucking _constantly_ talked about how much he wanted to bang people.

So then… “Maybe you’re straight?” Ray suggested weakly.

Gavin tensed and pulled away from Ray, “Yeah maybe,” he muttered, getting off the bed, “Don’t tell the others about this, yeah?” and he was gone before Ray could stop him.

Welp. Ray had fucked that up.

***

Gavin hid next to the shed and called a cab. He didn’t want to stay in the house that night. There was too much of a chance someone would say something to him. He didn’t _think_ Ray would tell one of the others, but you never knew. Gavin was being a right spaff after all.

So Gavin was just going to go spend the night at a hotel.

He didn’t look back at the house to see if anyone was watching as he climbed into the cab.

He was being a coward and he knew it. It was just his old problem with avoiding things surging up again. But he really didn’t think he could deal with the others right now.

But he- he _really didn’t_ think he was straight? If he were straight than it should have been _good_ with girls, right? And it definitely _hadn’t_ been, right? Or was he just remembering wrong?

Maybe he should go pick up a bird to make sure.

That thought sent a cold wave into his stomach. The others wouldn’t be _mad_ if he did that, at least not very, they weren’t _exclusive_ exclusive after all. But the thought of being with a girl made him want to curl up and hide even worse than the thought of facing his boyfriends did. So that… meant he wasn’t straight? It _had_ to, right? If he didn’t want to bang a girl?

God how messed up was he?

Gavin managed to plaster a smile on his face while checking in and trudged up to his room. He’d never stayed in a hotel in Austin before, but all hotel rooms looked the same and the familiarity was comforting, it served as a nice reminder that no matter how much of a git he was the world still kept going.

He didn’t know how he was going to deal with the others. It would look bloody suspicious him leaving in the middle of the night, but he had his phone, so they shouldn’t be too worried about him. Besides, Ray would probably say something vague or what not to calm them down.

Or he would tell them everything and Gavin would be right screwed.

If he wasn’t asexual than he didn’t have a reason for not liking sex and the others wouldn’t just _accept_ that he didn’t want to.

Why couldn’t he have just kept his mouth shut. Things had been _fine_.

But now everything was all ruined. Why couldn’t he have just _kept his mouth shut_.

Gavin didn’t sleep great. He kept going over in his head all the ways everything could go horrible. He managed to drift off and get just enough sleep so that he woke up groggy the next morning.

Gavin brushed his teeth, texted Geoff, and regretted not having brought a change of clothes, before calling another cab to take him to work.

He’d overestimated the time it would take to get from the hotel to Rooster Teeth, so it was still half an hour before work started when he arrived. He made sure to veer off to check the parking lot before going inside. He saw Geoff's car but not the van, so Geoff and Michael had probably come in before the others like they often did.

Gavin felt a twisting in his stomach. He wasn’t sure if it would be better or worse to deal with just two of them, but there was nothing for it now.

Maybe if he just pretended like nothing had happened they would let it go.

Gavin snuck into the building, looking around furtively to see if he could spot Michael or Geoff. He didn’t want to be snuck up on.

Gavin quietly pushed the office door open and Geoff and Michael whipped around to look at him. Both looked guilty and kind of sad and it made Gavin’s stomach twist again even though he was pretty sure Ray wouldn’t have proper blabbed yet so there was no reason to worry yet.

Geoff stood and walked cautiously over to Gavin, making Gavin’s nerves worse, “Hey buddy,” Geoff said kindly, “You doing okay?”

Gavin nodded franticly, “Yeah. Top.”

Geoff nodded, still looking somber, “Ray said we really freaked you out. I’m sorry about that, dude. I should have been paying more attention.”

Gavin darted his eyes over Geoff and then over to Michael, who was also looking guilty, and laughed a little, “Yeah,” he agreed, happy to take the excuse Geoff was offering, “Right, just freaked me out a bit. But everything’s fine now.”

Geoff nodded, “Okay. I _promise_ we won’t do anything like that again. Seriously, dude, if we ever do something to make you feel so uncomfortable again just tell us, I promise we’ll stop. We don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”

Gavin nodded, grateful for the assumed explanation. It made things very easy if he was just being a bit of a prude about not liking some BDSM stuff. There was nothing _notable_ about that.

But… he really didn't think that was what was going on with him. He'd been having issues for _years_ , hadn't he? So it wouldn't make sense for him to be freaking out _just_ about Michael and Geoff having a bit of fun. He had been _fine_ with them _doing_ it, it wasn't that. He didn't think?

He knew he was just being silly but he kind of wanted to try talking to Ray again. He hadn’t done a very good job of it last night. He was never very good at explaining himself, Ray _knew_ that. He’d probably give Gavin another try at it.

Plus he didn’t want Ray going around thinking he was straight.

***

Ray was worried.

He knew that he’d botched things with Gavin last night, but he hadn’t realized he’d fucked up bad enough for Gavin to _leave the house_. Ray had just thought he’d gone to the other spare and had had a moment of panic in the morning when they couldn’t find him. A whole bunch of crazy shit had gone through his head before Gavin had replied to Geoff’s text.

The others had exchanged worried looks at hearing that he'd gone to _a hotel_. Ray wasn’t actually totally sure _what_ Gavin’s issue had been, but he told the others that he thought Gavin had just been really unsettled by the weekend, which Jack had backed up.

That had left the others looking guilty, which made Ray feel guilty because it seemed like that maybe _wasn’t_ what was going on? But he didn’t actually _know_ what was going on, and Gavin had asked him not to tell the others so he wasn’t going to.

But last night Gavin had said that he didn’t find sex fun which meant… What, exactly?

Gavin had suggested that maybe he was asexual, but it was _Gavin_.

Plus, really, how much time did a person need to figure that shit out? Gavin had known what asexuality was for over two years now, it wouldn’t make sense for him to just _suddenly_ come to that realization.

At work Gavin seemed fine and nodded at Ryan and Jack’s apologies for the weekend, so maybe Ray was just over thinking things and Gavin had just been over thinking his panic about the weekend. Ray could get that. Intimidating and scary things tended to mess you up in all sorts of fun ways.

So he should just forget about it. That would probably be what Gavin would prefer him to do after all.

But Ray couldn’t forget about it.

He felt a niggling uncertainty in the back of his mind all day. He kept glancing over at Gavin but he _seemed_ fine?

_But_ , a little voice said, _he also seemed fine in the lead up to the weekend._

That made Ray’s stomach turn. It was true that Ray hadn’t been able to pick up on Gavin being anything other than a little prudish about the upcoming activities the week before, so it was entirely possible that Ray wouldn’t be able to pick up on Gavin being uncomfortable _now_.

That definitely wasn’t a very nice thought. He really didn’t like to consider that he was totally unable to read one of his boyfriends.

Should he ask Michael or Geoff? They knew Gavin _way_ better than he did after all. But Gavin had _asked him not to_. So he guessed he was on his own with this one.

_Was_ Gavin straight? He’d been so obviously head over heels for Michael that Ray kind of had a hard time believing that. He _had_ to be at least _romantically_ attracted to dudes. God Ray was such an asshole for asking Gavin if he was straight. Sure, Ryan had basically had to _tell_ Ray that he was asexual, but there was a big difference between a sexuality he’d never _heard of_ and straightness. For all Gavin's dumbassery Ray was pretty confident he had a grasp on _straightness_ at least.

But then again nothing was really set in stone, was it? Once upon a time Gavin had identified as straight so was it really out of the question that this had just been, what? A _phase_? Ray felt douchey for even suggesting that within the privacy of his own head, but he couldn’t deny it was a thought that worried him. He didn’t want Gavin to _leave_.

And after all, it _was_ a possibility. How many times had he heard stories of guy’s in, like, their _fifties_ suddenly coming out as gay to their wives of twenty years? Apparently in a lot of those cases it wasn't even that the dude had been pretending all that time, but that he honestly _hadn't realized_ he was gay. Sometimes it just took people a long time to figure things out.

…

…

Ray was the dumbest fucking person on the face of the Earth.

***

Gavin managed to lose himself in his carefree persona enough that he wasn’t panicking during the workday. He didn’t know why he couldn’t just keep that up all the time. He shouldn’t have to worry about _anything_ if he didn’t want to.

He was _pretty_ sure he at least managed to mostly convince Michael and Geoff he was fine, or at least not horribly traumatized, which was good because he needed the two of them to help with the whole ‘not thinking about it’ thing. No one else was quite as likely to indulge him being ‘cheeky’.

But even still, he felt the butterflies return to his stomach as they made their way home. He was going to have to talk to Ray and he wasn't looking forward to it.

Geoff got them home a bit before Jack’s van and Gavin stood around the entranceway waiting awkwardly. He wasn’t sure what he should do with himself since Ray would get there any minute, but it would be very weird if Gavin was just _standing_ there.

Luckily he heard the van pull up before he started to get really awkward and Gavin opened the hall closet so he could pretend to be looking for something when the others came in.

Ryan and Jack just nodded at him in greeting as they walked passed but Ray stopped next to him, “Hey Gav, think we could go and talk for a sec?” he asked, seeming pretty nervous.

Gavin swallowed, really hoping he wasn’t going to have to beg Ray into thinking he wasn’t straight. Or at least into not telling the others. If the problem really _was_ that Gavin was just straight after all then that was fine. He didn’t _care_ whether or not he ever got enjoyable lady sex, he just wanted his boyfriends.

Gavin followed Ray into the spare room that they usually shared and shut the door behind him before turning back to Ray, expecting to have to do a lot of convincing.

But instead Ray said, “Gav I am _so sorry_ for being such an asshole last night.”

Gavin blinked, surprised, “What?”

“What I said. And how I didn’t listen to you. God I’m such a douche. I’m sorry.” And Ray really _did_ look sorry.

Gavin laughed nervously, “Well alright then,” he said, relaxing a little.

Ray smiled and pulled him into a quick hug before moving them so they were both sitting on the bed and then looked back at him all attentive like, “Okay then. So you said you think you could be ace.”

Gavin blinked and blushed a little, looking away and shrugging sheepishly, “Yeah, I don’t know. It was stupid. Just forget it.”

“No, dude. Seriously. I want to help.”

Gavin bit his lip and looked up at Ray’s imploring expression and suddenly he felt words leaving his mouth.

“I’ve never liked sex. I’ve always just _gone along with it_. But I thought I was straight, then Michael and all of you but I was _still_ only going along with it even though I love you guys just so much and I don’t know. I don’t _know._ ”

Gavin looked away, not wanting to see Ray’s reaction to that. He _really didn’t_ want to be looking at Ray when Ray told him he was being a spaffy little git, just like he had every _other_ time they’d discussed asexuality. Usually it didn’t bother Gavin, but this time was different.

But instead out of the corner of his eye he saw Ray nod, “Okay. Okay, yeah.”

Gavin blinked and looked back at him, eyes wide, and Ray shrugged, “What, dude? I can’t _tell you_ what you’re feeling. Trust me, I wish there was someone who could. But, yeah, I don’t know, that sounds pretty asexual. If that’s what you want to call yourself.”

Gavin blinked at him, mouth falling open. Ray thought he could be asexual. Ray, who knew all about this stuff, thought he was asexual. So then…

Gavin felt a tremendous weight being lifted from his shoulders and a sob escaped him. He wasn’t broken. He was asexual.

He was _asexual._

Gavin laughed through his tears and reached out and wrapped Ray into a tight, joyous hug, which Ray gladly returned.

Gavin shook the two of them in joy so hard that they ended up falling over to lie on the bed.

Ray grinned at him, “Yeah. Feels good to have a name for things, doesn’t it?”

Gavin laughed again, in pure relief, “You have no idea.”

He just lay there smiling at Ray for a few minutes. For that brief time nothing else mattered, he was just lying there _stunned_ at how light he felt to have a name for this thing that he hadn’t even noticed had been such a big part of his life.

But eventually that feeling faded from an all consuming flame to a background warmth and Gavin could remember that there _were_ still questions he had to ask Ray.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Course,” Ray agreed, “And,” he cut in quickly, “Seriously don’t be worried that your about to out yourself as ' _not really_ ' asexual or something. Don’t know if you were worrying about that but you don’t need to.”

Gavin blinked in surprise. At the _moment_ he wasn’t worrying about that, but he definitely had been earlier, and he'd spent the last _year_ worrying he'd accidentally out himself as not gay.

“I’m not that predictable,” he squawked in protest.

Ray laughed again, “You kind of are. But, no. I just remember. When I came out. I was so worried that I was going to accidentally say something wrong and everyone would realize that I _wasn’t_ asexual. Just… there really _aren’t_ any gates being rigorously guarded, okay? And even if there were, _I_ sure as shit am not the one guarding them.”

Gavin felt a laugh forced from him. He was so _not alone_. It felt like floating.

Gavin nuzzled into Ray in happiness and Ray brought his hand up to stroke Gavin’s hair, “So there was something you wanted to ask?”

“Yeah,” Gavin said into Ray’s chest, before turning so his face was free, “Do you actually… _like_ sex?”

Ray nodded, “Yeah, kind of. Or parts of it at least.”

Gavin nodded and considered for a second before saying slowly, “I… I think maybe I don’t.”

“Yeah? Cool,” Ray accepted.

“You don’t think that’s going to cause a problem or anything?” Gavin asked, slightly worried.

Ray snorted, “Dude, no. I can’t see it being a problem at all. And if you want some sort of ‘formal’ sleeping/bang schedule or whatever I guarantee it would take Jack, like, thirty seconds to work something out. He loves that shit.”

Gavin stiffened at the reminder of the others, “Right. Would… would it be okay if we don’t tell them? Just for a little?”

Ray frowned down at him, “Okay. If you want. I guess we could just say you're still worked up because of the weekend if anyone wants a bone session.”

Gavin nodded, frowning himself, “Michael and Geoff are going to feel right guilty about that.”

Ray shrugged, “Yeah, but I’m sure they’d _also_ feel guilty about you rushing yourself because you were worried about them, so.”

Gavin nodded and relaxed back into Ray, breathing his scent, Ray a warm presence next to him.

Oh god. _Things were going to be okay._

Suddenly Ray started chuckling and Gavin frowned and looked up at him, “What?”

“Nothing. Just. Apparently Michael’s ass is _so fine_ even asexuals can’t resist.”

Gavin looked at him as he figured out what Ray had meant, then laughed. Michael had been _both_ of their first real loves. What a bloody coincidence.

Gavin chuckled and buried his face back in Ray’s chest and Ray kept joking, “So what do you think it is? The Jersey accent? His sunny personality? I don’t know dude, but we’ll have to keep an eye out. Can’t have another sea sponge stealing our man.”

Gavin laughed some more. He felt like he could laugh at _anything_. He felt like the world was full of things to laugh about.


End file.
